Seeing Closeness as a Picture: How Much Do Our Circles Overlap?

“How are we doing lately?” is surprisingly hard to answer in words. “Fine” and “okay” flatten all the small shifts that actually happen in a relationship. So psychologists created a strikingly simple alternative: pick the picture of two circles that best shows how much you and the other person overlap.

What the scale looks like

Arthur Aron, Elaine Aron, and Danny Smollan drew two circles, one labeled “self” and one labeled “other,” at seven levels of overlap (Aron, Aron, & Smollan, 1992). At level 1 the circles do not touch. With each step they overlap more, until at level 7 they almost completely coincide. You simply choose the picture that best describes your relationship with a particular person right now.

Its formal name is the Inclusion of Other in the Self (IOS) Scale. The idea behind the name is that in close relationships, the other person’s perspectives, experiences, and traits start to feel like part of your own identity.

Can one picture really measure closeness?

For a single-item measure, the evidence is impressively solid:

• In the original studies, IOS scores lined up well with longer closeness questionnaires and were related to whether dating relationships were still together months later (Aron et al., 1992).
• Earlier experiments found signs that close others are mentally processed partly as “self,” for example people more often confused their own traits with a close partner’s (Aron et al., 1991).
• A later comprehensive evaluation by economists compared the IOS with several longer closeness measures and concluded it is a quick yet reliable tool (Gächter et al., 2015).

Its great advantage is speed. It takes seconds, so you can repeat it often for the same relationship and watch it move. That is why it is used well beyond social psychology, including in economics research.

Why a picture works better than words

Describing closeness in words means juggling many judgments: how often we talk, whether we share personal things, whether something has been bothering us. A picture lets you combine those judgments into one intuitive choice. It is easy to understand without explanation and works across languages. The trade-off is that a single item can wobble a step or two with mood, so trends matter more than any single answer.

Is more overlap always better?

No. Different relationships have different comfortable distances.

Relationship	Often comfortable overlap	Something to consider
Partner or spouse	High	Too much overlap can crowd out time for yourself
Close friend	Medium to high	Some friendships stay close even with little contact
Coworker	Low to medium	Too distant makes collaboration hard; too close can blur boundaries
Parent or sibling	Varies widely	Overlap naturally shrinks during periods of independence

What matters most is the gap between the distance you have and the distance you want. If you are at 3 and want 5, think about ways to reconnect. If you are at 6 and would feel better at 4, think about making room for yourself.

What changes can tell you

Change over time says more than any single reading.

• A slow decline: often a busy season that has squeezed out shared time. It usually signals a shortage of connection time rather than conflict.
• A sudden drop: worth asking whether something hurtful or a misunderstanding happened recently.
• Up and down repeatedly: may reflect a cycle of conflict and reconciliation. Noting what triggers each dip can help.
• A rise after doing something new together: experiments found that couples who shared novel, engaging activities reported better relationship quality afterward (Aron et al., 2000). A little novelty in a familiar routine can rekindle closeness.

Remember that the picture shows the distance you feel. The other person might choose a different picture for the same relationship, and that is common. It does not mean one of you is wrong; people often feel close for different reasons, some through conversation, others through doing things together. Use the scale to open a conversation, not to reach a verdict alone.

How to use this: a weekly relationship check-in

1. Choose three or four relationships to track, such as a partner, a best friend, a family member, and a close coworker.
2. On the same day each week, pick a 1 to 7 rating for each relationship’s current distance and desired distance.
3. Where the gap is 2 or more, choose one small action for the week: a check-in message if you want to be closer, or an evening to yourself if you need space.
4. Review the trend once a month. If you like, ask the other person to pick a picture too and compare: “I’d say we’re at about a 4 lately. What about you?” can start a good conversation.

Record your closeness circles weekly in the mind check-in, and explore your relationship tendencies in the relationship attachment test.